COVID: Take care of your self (Lost HOPE)

We have a pandemic. I can’t pretend like things are rosy. I do not think it is healthy to have the attitude that life is always supposed to be happy and positive. I have met people like that. They do not make good friends. When you have a bad day, it is hard to deal with people who label you a “negative” person when you are just being human. I think for me I channel the negative into my art. I find a good cry beautiful and a release. I think these days we all need a good cry and we should not be ashamed of it.

I have lost HOPE. I know somewhere inside me there is a flame still or I would be dead. But still it has been hard. I was ostracized for years from my UNION and my art but this is finally pushing me to rage and anger. The other night I managed to hurt my neck and shoulder so bad I could not bend my neck forward. What did I do? No idea. I was asleep. I woke up feeling like I had run into a door with the middle of my back. I dream crazy dreams but I do not remember dreaming that night. I also rarely have nightmares. I think I channel my nightmares into my poetry acting and script writing. My art is laced with the sadness of neglect and abuse and the resulting beauty of letting it go.

I am feeling better now. I started doing YOGA through the pain. I took very hot baths with mineral oil bath bubbles, and I got outside and got a little sun. But it make me realize how quickly I could end up incapacitated again. We all need to be careful and take care of our health. Covid is lethal to the vulnerable and any of us could be in that category if we do not take care of our bodies. For years I had a limp with my right knee. I had cancer and auto immune diseases. I am not however a genetic reject. If Hitler were alive though I do not doubt I would be in a Concentration Camp for being a strong willed woman who does not like violence and who likes free thought.

When I think about COVID and how many people are DYING it is hard for me not to want to cry. So far no one really close has died but I know people who have had people close to them die. I am getting frustrated and angry and I am not locked up with kids who are full of anxiety about this nightmare. I know I want to scream. Some times I think instead of clapping sessions for the health care workers we should let them take a moment and scream as loud as they can for 20 seconds just to take the edge off the stress. I have done that as an acting exercise. Yawning is good. It releases the stress in the mouth and jaw.

I want to be an actor. That is my art. I am tired of being told I need plastic surgery Twice black women have told me that. Is that right? NO it is not. The shallowness of some California artists make me sick. Jason George said someone was too ugly to be on tape. How right is that? Would he say that to a BLACK WOMAN? I am a liberal and he is a CHRISTIAN actor who never really talked to me. I was a lawyer playing a lawyer. I now know I am apparently a LIAR and not a lawyer or an actor. My union and the actors on Grey’s were convinced I am not who I say that I am. In the process they destroyed my career and years of hard work. Also I left the legal profession in 2002. I do not have a law firm. I do not have the resources to practice law. I am tired of stupid. To be a lawyer you have to have a law firm behind you or money to buy insurance and everything you need to start a law firm of your own. I do not have those resources and I can not represent you as a lawyer. I gave up my license. I went inactive in 2002. Legally since that time I could not be a practicing lawyer. First people stop me being in the entertainment industry not believing I have a law degree, then they try to say I am crazy saying I am an actor and must go practice law. My bar number is 207690 and I have LIED ABOUT NOTHING. I think someone wants me to kill myself and I wish that was me being paranoid. I have had the cops at my door 4 times for check ups. Once a smart cop got into my face and said “You are crazy and not a lawyer.” I looked at the uniform cop with him and said “my bar number is 207690.” Take my finger prints and you will find I took the California bar in 2000. I now suspect those were attempts to get the COPS to shoot me. I have been attacked and told to go help the kids at the border but that is not my area of law and again legally I can not do anything. I am not licensed.

I worked on Grey’s Anatomy playing a nurse for 3 years. I was there for the first 3 years of the show. Those were the years Ellen Pompeo now says were toxic. Grey’s had a reputation for being hard to work and hard on its extras especially. Pompeo has recently been exposed as saying it is sometimes a woman’s fault if she is assaulted and I kind of now want to know- did she know I said I was assaulted to people before I was terminated from sets? Does she know that I had asked to be taken to my car but was taken to a house instead and that the man who assaulted me told me where to park? I look back and think he planned what happened. Was that my fault if I was being targeted by a sex addict predator? Men do not pray on women who are starlets. They prey on women who are insecure and where their credibility can be questioned. Why so many women never get justice? Men are dogs and those who are predators will feed on the weak and the women they hope no one will believe. I like men. I am not gay. But men need to change to treat women better and not be scared of women being smarter or in doing work they do.

I want to be seen. I want to not be hidden away and closed off. And this was before the PANDEMIC. I was being abused on line over and over by someone obsessed with Blake Shields. They wanted me to disappear. They wanted me to be dead. The real reason I was blacklisted from sets was because I had an email from Blake and a woman on Eli Stone, Courtney Lovell was angry he had emailed me. I think that was childish and immature. I was being called a WASP and told that Blake just wanted to sleep with me and basically throw me away. Did any one think that maybe I wanted a relationship and did not want that with him or anyone? I was looking for a career, but I would not date to get that career. I think that this whole situation is wrong. I wanted to be working and making my own money because I will not go on dates for free meals. I was also sexually assaulted by a guy who worked with Blake and me on HBO’s TV show Carnival, Jeremy Gilbreathe. He was in a relationship. I do not cheat. Insinuating I am a stalker is insinuating I would try to force a man to date me or to cheat on their wives or girlfriends. I am an HONOR STUDENT. I know that people may not realize that some people do the right thing, but I do or try. I do not however go to church but that does not mean I am a slut. The email with Blake was him telling me that he was in a relationship and that he had been temped to cheat but chose not to. Now I think he is a horrible person because he has been allowing people to think that I was after him to help protect the guy who molested me. He knew who I was. He knew my name was Laura. He knew I was molested by someone we both had known and his response was “how long ago was that.” Too long for me to get justice, and yet California is fighting DISNEY now for a case that is eleven years old.

Artistic Hope I wanted to keep out of this. I wanted to do something for the world and for CALIFORNIA. I had this need to do something that reflected my values. Yet I was attacked for even doing that. I was told I am helping rich people get richer. Really? Many of the artists I met were trying to build a career and some were living in art communes. Also how do you make money to pay bills? By working for people with no money? I also love the arts. I need the arts. We are not mentally healthy when we regulate the things that give us joy to luxury or hobbies. I need to be happy. We all do. There is something wrong with people not accepting that I will never ever want to give up trying to be an actor on film and TV sets. I do not want my kids to be told they have to be lawyers or doctors and can not be sensitive and creative and artistic.

I wanted to create a space that was ethical and right and I could live with myself. I do not think people understand that I have to live with myself. I have say no to HATE, BIGOTRY, and many isms. I also can not promote a bible. We have a PRESIDENT who thinks he has been appointed by GOD. We have a secular system for a reason. Because our Constitution says no ROYALTY. When Presidents started saying a GOD ordained them that is ROYALTY. 45 is a person acting against our CONSTITUTION.

I have also been trolled by companies that do not reflect my values. IRONICALLY there was a case called HOBBY LOBBY that said that family owned businesses can make decisions based on Beliefs. Well I am a one woman blogger, and I will not promote ideas that go against my value system. I will not be promoting diamond companies or any religions organization though I will support efforts to promote peace and freedom of thought.

My parents are not in my life and have nothing to do with my student loans or life. My debts are mine and they do not have the legal right to control my friends, my career choices or my time. If they do, then I am in danger from them. I am so frustrated because ART to me is not frivolous. It is worthy of respect. It is craftsmanship and hard work. My career as an actor was killed, but for me it is not dead. I can’t live with that. I need acting like some people need breathing and it is what I KNOW and I am so tired of being treated like I KNOW NOTHING about the industry when I spent years studying the industry.

My mother wants me to have a home. I want a home. One I bought myself and not one I share with a husband. I am an INFP and I need to feel connected to the men in my life. You can not make me feel attracted to someone. We live in a sick world now where people think they can dictate who someone else falls in love with. I really hate reality TV. If I can not have a sense of independence, I would rather rent and live alone. My soulmate would understand me and let me by myself and not try to make me give up things that make me happy. I do not believe in LOVE anymore and I certainly do not want my time wasted with a man who won’t let me be ARTISTIC HOPE or will not let me act. I want to be a film and TV actor and I am tired of the hypocrisy. AM I TOO OLD? really? If I were a MAN would I be too old? Think about that. Stop being sexist fake. I was attacked and told I would end up a crazy woman with cats? So I am single and need to marry and try on the men who are reaching out to me on line and have no choice to say NO. One in five women in America are sexually assaulted and it is because we are not listened to and we not respected and knowing what we want. MEN YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME WANT YOU! It does not mean I am GAY. It means I know what I want and you are JUST NOT IT.

I was at a voice workshop once and the teacher pointed to a woman who looked like the poster child for FOX news and said that she was the kind of person he liked to work with. This was for VOICE OVER WORK. So even when not seen the actors have to look perfect? Meryl Streep once said that she was told she was too ugly here in Los Angeles. I believe that. But Los Angeles, You screwed up didn’t you. I was an adorable woman who liked to be cute. I do not like violence. I love flowers. I do like thrillers and mysteries and I am more inclined to watch a detective show as opposed to Dynasty. But then I watch the shows that might cast people LIKE ME.

I want this Pandemic to end. I want a healthy future. I want healthy relationships. I want to be doing what I love again- acting. I do not want to be a wife or girl friend, not if I am only in the relationships because of survival and not a real GENUINE connection. My soulmate would be an actor. I need someone who is not afraid or FEELINGS. I do not date men who are disconnected from their emotions. I cry. I react emotionally to life. THAT IS NOT INSANITY. The people who think that is- you need empathy training.

I do not want to be in a two income household when I want to be ALONE most of the time. I would not want to be with someone who would not let me have space.

I hope everyone is OK. I hope you are making art. I hope you do not feel as angry and hopeless as I do. I am not looking for a husband. I have never been desperate for that. I am not looking to build a life without acting. I am not desperate to live when I am miserable without my craft. And I do not want to spend my life doing things just to make a paycheck that just are pointless and meaningless to me and really don’t make me a better person. Some people may not like that. I am not lazy but I am also trained to do things and I am tired of being treated like I should work in a McDonald’s when I went to law school and studied film editing, just because some people want to punish me for being educated and gifted. You are the narcissist. My life does not revolve around you and you have to right to dictate what I do. I have to make over 40000 a year to pay my debts and you are trying to make me make less than I am worth. This message goes out to the narcissists in the INDUSTRY who think I am not allowed to be an actor because I was an extra and because they were born into Hollywood ROYALTY. You do realize how we do not have ROYALTY in America and legally I am a member of SAG AFTRA. I was good at acting. And I tired of people not treating me like I am.

I do not want to be employed by someone to have a life when that life feel pathetic and depressing. I was happy when I was on sets and when I had hope I wold have a future acting. There is not a job on the planet that will give me joy like that again. I also am not good with people anymore. I really felt better around actors and artist. I do not like people who are our for a buck or who are into marketing things to make money. I am not MAKING ANYTHING because how I make things is with my head. It is called intellectual property. It is in the CONSTITUTION and I have the right to try to make things and sell them. So tired of the false patriotism of the RIGHT. If you really are AMERICAN- have you read the CONSTITUTION? I like that document. It is my bible.

I have done allot in Hollywood from Stand in to script reader. I am TALENT and I am not a narcissist for having confidence in myself and for wanting to pursue my craft. Stopping me from being happy and pushing me to suicide and trying to manipulate my career- that is narcissism. I want to be acting and I do not care about being the industry without acting. I am not interested in leaving in LOS ANGELES.

I am SICK OF PEOPLE PLAYING GOD WITH MY LIFE AND DREAMS. I do not dream about leaving Los Angeles and I was happy on sets. I have been happy since 2007 and want to be happy again. I am not going to do what my parents or you want with my life if I know it will make me miserable. I am so tired of crazy people telling me what will make ME HAPPY. YOU are nuts. You would push me to kill myself before you would make me date men I would not want to be seen with or hang out with people who are not smart and good people. I do not think that people who would vote for our current Traitor of a President are good people. I do not think that people who refuse to wear masks are good people. I do not think that people who are untrained in psychology telling people on line to get therapy are GOOD PEOPLE. Also I do not think that someone inferring I am crazy for being a secularist are SANE or Decent. You are trying to control my beliefs and that is a violation of my rights under the CONSTITUTION. I would tell you what your art is. I would not tell you who to date or who to love. Why is it people think they can tell me? If I have feeling for someone may be that was a good thing, because I cared, but it does not mean I want to own that person or make that person want me. You are messed up if you are telling people I am a stalker and slandering me. You are a bully and need to be stopped.

Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Your world revolves around you. Don’t expect someone else to worship you or for anyone to owe you their dreams. My parents want me to fulfill their dreams but they know mine. I have told them. They should have accepted I was never going to be the person they wanted. They made me but I am my own person. I am a good person. Even my mother admits that.