Giving HOPE But I have lost mine.
That is what I initially wanted to do with this site. I felt at first people thought I wanted to start an organization. But I do not play well with others. I can work as a team player, but I feel this need to have my own voice. I think all artists do. Of course I think everyone can be an artist too. We all need to have a voice and to be heard. Today I think we have become a populace of manipulated voices. Somehow though we have to keep trying to express our opinions and persevere.
I will be open and say my voice is biased and that I hope is acceptable. It is impossible not to be. I have my opinions. But that is why we express ourselves. We do it to connect and to stand apart. We create art for ourselves and for others. With all the darkness in the world right now I just want to say, keep creating.
I am terrified of the violence and the hate. I am worried it now permeates all aspects of our lives. We expect it to come from one direction, but now there are groups that are on both sides and the vast majority of us are caught in the cross fires, literally.
With all the trauma in the world I do not think any of us have the right to demand anything from anyone else. We all have crosses to bear. We all have stress. It is weighing on the entire planet like a wool coat in summer. We are burning the earth. And the earth is showing us how little we have control over her with natural disasters we can not predict. Perhaps that is why some do not think climate change is real. We can not predict where a hurricane is going to go with much accuracy or how powerful it will be, let alone destroy the world. Yet we are helping to damage the very source of life.
I think if you feel angry stop before you take it out on someone else. Channel it into doing something for yourself, or someone you care about. Step back and breathe. Anger is not an evil emotion, unless acted on with evil intent. Anger is a sign that something is wrong or hurting. It may be a sign of guilt, or a sign of the opposite. But we have plenty of it in the world today and I do not think we have been taught to manage it. I think our culture has been trained to think that emotions are bad. They are part of being human.
Give yourself hope. Give yourself a break. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. If someone hurt you, I understand that. I do. You never have to forgive that. But you also do not have to become like the person who hurt you. If you hurt someone, know they do not have to forgive you and you may owe them justice.
I could list everything that is hurting right now in the world, but it is too much. We all just have to keep trying to stay on the right side of this nightmare.
Artists are often seen as being on the fringe. Hitler hated artists who did not measure up to his ideals. He gassed many. Dangerous people are not always different. Dangerous people are the one who blindly follow the masses of bullies who hate. We need to start measuring people by their hearts and their actions and not by their bank accounts or property or family name.
I know someone may read this and label me something. My father called me a socialist. A troll said I was helping to make rich people get richer. My answer do that is, how do you make a pay check if you work for people who do not have money to pay you? I do not get paid to write ARTISTIC HOPE. I wanted to make this my business and for that I needed to be able to build readers and to have material to be read. Blogging is a career after all. I was not looking to form an organization but to be my own boss.
Being a single voice is HOPE. Every artist is a single voice. Yet we have lost sight of that in a sea of corporations and mass production. Through that process we grow away from nature and humanity. I am not a socialist. I have been a wannabe capitalist of my own destiny. That is what every artist is. This conception that because artists are willing to share and live in community with each other or are willing to express opinions on the edge of the masses, is not a sign of socialism. Socialism is where the government owns everything and all is shared and it is impossible to achieve. It goes against human instinct. That is why any system that has worked for any extended period of time that was healthy, involved recognizing human individuality.
I have HOPE because artists, actors, creators have existed for as long as humanity. And as long as their are voices willing to express their dreams, and their visions, than we still have possibility to create positive change. every positive action, starts with an idea. The laser existed in books long before it existed in real life.
Someone told me that Acting was just fantasy. But my fantasies are what keeps sane. I kind of suspect people need to start recognizing that they do not have the right to tell someone how to use their brain. That to me is crazy. I have literally stopped being able to day dream or to relax because I have been gas lite so much and told I need to grow up and stop pretending. But if I can not pretend, I can not create and if I can not create I cannot find the drive to work or to move forward. I need to goal that comes from with in me. I am not a puppet. Do not talk about freedom if you do not let others think and be the way they want to be.
HOPE is not 1984. Respect is not demanding I stop fantasizing leaving me with no coping mechanisms to deal with the world. To the people who wanted me to grow up. You have made me miserable. You have made me crazy. I needed to fantasize to be able to make things that would make money. I do not want to spend the rest of my life like a machine with no feelings or ideas in my head. My brain was the brain of an intellectual with an imagination. Ideas that change the world come from day dreams. And you want me to be nothing. A robot with nothing to say or express or feel. Who wants to live like that.
Give HOPE. I need my hope back and I am not going down a path where I can not dream. I will be mentally ill for the rest of my life if I can not do the things i love. I will never love my job if I can not use my imagination and dream. I will never be driven to make money if I can not enjoy the things I do. Does anyone understand I am being asked to be miserable for the rest of my life. Telling me I will be able to help others doing something while I hate everything about it. I am not interested in being a slave to men who will not let me have a voice. I am sick of that kind of misogyny.
Not everyone wants a regular 9 to 5 life. Some people thrive off of having more than one job. Some people cannot stand being stuck. Jobs involve social networks and career fulfillment and I am being asked to get a job and make money and I see nothing I can do that will actually give me people I can relate to and a community I can respect, because I cannot work with actors and on sets. It is wrong that people have stopped me from building an acting career. There is something wrong with people I will never be happy again if I can not be an actor. I will never be happy again if I can not be with my union. I earned sag aftra.
SAG AFTRA does not require me to be IVY LEAGUE or born into a rich Beverly Hills family. It does not require I worked in New York or on Broadway. It does not require that I even prove that I am the best in the business. It does not require I be cultured, though ironically I am as cultured as many actors and more read than others. Some actors working never went to college.
I am ARTISTIC HOPE. And my HOPE has been destroyed. To the people who wanted it destroyed, what is wrong with you? I did not do anything wrong on a set. I did not kill anyone or hurt anyone. I worked for my union card and never broke the rules.
Truth my life was destroyed by lies and gossip. I am not leaving Los Angeles because rich people with fame judged me and decided I was not good enough. I now have lost it. I talk to myself because I have no one to talk to. I have never hurt anyone. And I am not interested in being with normal people who are the fans of ACTORS. I am not going to want to go to the movies with friends because I am not going to want to talk to them about actors as if they are a special group of people that I can never be a part of again. I am never going to want to go on a date to a movie because it will remind me of the fact I will never acting career.
I am also never going to want to talk about favorite television shows with people because it will remind me I used to work on TV sets but it was decided that I was not allowed to keep working to build a career on sets. You can not be my friend if you do not want to act with me. You can not be my friend if you do not want to see me acting again.
I Love Acting and until I can with the SAG AFTRA members like everyone else, I have no HOPE. And I am sick of being treated like a freak or a criminal. I am here to be an actor. I am not here to be forced to be boring and dull and broken.
Today is labor day. I have nothing to work for except I wan to be on a set again and I want to be good at acting. I do not want to be used by you as a lawyer. I am never going to work in law and I will never date a lawyer. Just because I am an actor does not mean I can be changed into being who you want me to be. I can not live a lie. I am so sick of people trying to make me do that. I was happy on sets. ‘
MY LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED by people trying to make me follow career paths that did not fit who I am. My time has been taken by people assuming things about me based on their own ignorance. I grew up in an affluent white neighborhood on the east coast whose public schools were rated high. I did not grow up in a small town in the south. I suspect that who ever has been responsible for my blacklisting grew up in Southern California where many of the schools are A+. However, it does not show this person’s knowledge of America or culture to now know that Maryland has the richest counties in America. You are driving out of Los Angeles a girl who never cheated on a test. I never did. I should say trying to drive out. Instead I am being gas lite into insanity.
I would be working and making movies and acting. I know someone is going to say after reading that “I need THERAPY.” Really, because you know me so well? You know what I can do? You know what my skill set is? Or is it you expect actors to be physically perfect?
I do not want a man in my life if he will let me take acting classes and keep working on ARTISTIC HOPE and making film and TV show ideas. I have a list of films I want to finish. I have an idea for a TV show I want to complete.
What gives any of you the right to tell me or anyone who they are and why they here? Who made you GOD? Who made you the person who gets to dictate how I spend my time or what my career goals are supposed to be?
I am never going to feel respected if I can not be a professional actor. I am UGLY now. I feel ugly. None of you men looking for a woman to take care of your kids or a women to clean you house are ever going to make me feel respect. I am not crazy- you are if you think you have right to make me give up who I am and that is LOVE. It is not. You are the one who is crazy.
I was pretty. I was smart. I had a great personality. I am educated. But once I turned 35 I was told I needed to get married. Well I am never getting married unless the guy who wants me excites me. And somehow a man looking for a woman to be his housewife and take care of his kids while he gets to have a career and even gets to be an actor or artist, is not my idea of LOVE. I never dreamed of MARRIAGE. I never thought about having kids. I told one of my ex-boyfriends I only wanted one if I had any. I do not need a man who needs me to be his property and take care of his house and do his laundry. I will never date a guy unless i think he will take care of me. And I will never date a guy unless he will accept I am an actor and I am an artist. I am not going to stop anymore fantasizing. Because I do not want to even have anything to do with people if I can not be an actor.
I used to read a hundred books a year. Now I can not even sit down and read one because I troll attacked me so much they convinced me I can not have fun anymore. I guess I am supposed to take the job that pays the most even if I hate it? Well I cannot do it. You want me to be convinced my loving acting is a mental disease and I need to be cured of it. You will push me to suicide before you make me want to not be an actor. No therapist is going to make me want to love baseball or love soccer or love foot ball. No therapist is going to make me want to work with large groups of screaming children. No therapist is going to make me want to be a lawyer. No therapist is going to convince me that I am not good at acting and I am better at doing admin. I am not.
I test as an INFP. That means that I am:
INFP types value autonomy and creativity, and enjoy the freedom and independence to do their own thing, complete tasks in their own way, and work at their own pace. INFP types also tend to manage themselves. The right INFP careers offer a level of independence that appeal to these introverts.https://www.depressionalliance.org/infp-careers/
A list of potential jobs for me can be found at this link. Please note people keep talking about me needing therapy as if somehow that will solve my acting mental illness. No it will not. I need to get back to thinking like an actor and dreamer. I have had decade of my life wasted by abuse. When I could have been making movies and having the career I earned and trained to do.
News flash for all the insane mental health experts out their claiming I need help because I want to be an actor, even this list of careers lists actors as a possibility for an INFP.
Please note that this list has performer as a NO for a career choice for me, but I have said I will not do theater actor. I am not a performer. I am an actor. There is a difference.
As an INFP I am naturally creative but I can not be creative right? Being creative is fun and I am just supposed to make money by any means necessary as long as I hate it.
This is a list of majors and careers. Please note, it says studying law is fine, but I cannot be a lawyer. Mediator maybe but I really at this point hate people. I am not social. I am introverted. Give me a script and actors to work with and I can portend to be a social animal for a time.
I love this quote:
INFPs are best to avoid any organization or job role that is solely profit or sales driven, they really need to have meaning in their work activities. As people who like to express their individuality and uniqueness and appreciate the same in others, they do not feel comfortable in hierarchical institutions where people hold power over others. Their individualistic streak does not go well in bureaucratic environments or the police or military.https://www.thrivetalk.com/infp-careers/
Finally there is this extensive lists of careers I might fit and careers I would not fit. I will never be what my father wants. I will never be the COP MILITARY person in the suit with the attitude of greed and power over love and compassion. I am losing my mind because people are treating me like I did something corrupt and that is just not possible for me to do. I cannot lie. Yes I can act, but to me if you know I am acting it is not a lie. If you know I am playing a character I am not lying. I am doing an art form that has existed since the Greeks.